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The Great Canadian Novel -- Synopsis

Notes: We used to make these things up, in the form of tales to never be written, Marko and I. This was a way of taking a break from the pressures of paying the rent with the typewriter, and the obligatory bowing and groveling required for same.

by Hart Williams (c) 1984

Reindeer are migrating in alarming numbers towards the Parliament house in Ottawa ...





This eye never sleeps


A mad sleazo publisher -- let's call him Gnurf Bjornsen -- has concocted a scheme to win the Canadian Lottery by the use of forged lottery tickets. A young, dapper investigative reporter, Charles, has seen the sketches of the plan on a misfiled memo in Bjornsen's circular file. Aided by his coked-out secretary, by a gay Toronto divorcee and a by part-time Mountie, Charles attempts to halt the plot of Bjornsen, and thus save the lives of countless thousands of unborn seals.

Meanwhile, on the Yukon border, a frontier proctologist has found disturbing traces of plutonium in Eskimo stools. This may or may not be a plot by the CIA, KGB, and the SAVAK to annex large parts of Western Alberta by turning the Eskimo populace into human neutron bombs.

How this relates to the Canadian Lottery is anyone's guess, until Phyllis, the former hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold, now turned part-time public prosecutor and full-time harridan, informs her best friend, Marie, of a cryptic reference in the All-Canadian High School Hockey Annual, indicating, through notariqon and cryptological analysis, that reindeer are migrating in alarming numbers towards the Parliament house in Ottawa.

Phyllis -- related by an incestuous liaison with her brother (half-brother of Charles' sister, Nance) -- can only call her Mother, who happens to be Charles' coked-out secretary's best friend, Thurma.

Charles, putting two and two together, must race in breakneck fashion to the Calgary Stampede, where an unholy alliance is already being forged between agents of the former KGB and the man of international mystery, Gnurf Bjornsen. Through his intense knowledge of martial arts and eighteenth-century romantic literature, Charles manages to avert world-wide catastrophe.

The Mountie dies to add a certain pathos.

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