Peet'chers of Meeeester Weeeeeelyams

Note: I like to hassle my imaginary secretary. It saves me having to abuse my invisible valet, Roscoe. Right Roscoe? "At's right, boss."

 (insert something witty and topical here, would you, Miss Finch? Since no one knows that every last word I write is actually subcontracted out, I think that you should probably use the "laconic cowboy" writer, and not the "effete, impudent snob" writer. If L.C. is out of town for the holidays, then use the "impassioned idealist" guy -- what the heck's his name anyway? And when you finish doing that, Miss Finch, we need to get these Christmas cards out. Use the standard "love, the Williams" phony signature stamp, and not the "Mr. and Mrs." one. I will have my cell phone, but it'll probably be on the golf cart, so if it's an emergency, let it ring a LONG time.

Oh, and Miss Finch? Try not to have any emergencies, OK? Good girl. Oh, we're out of Guyanan coffee as well.)