"Helen Bed" & The Single Moms
a sort of column

ritings and pro bono work that served the pubic interest. 

Guns don't kill people;

bullets kill people

Aphorisms to Go by Mr. Hart Williams

Notes: This comes from my "Miss Manners," Helen Bed, which, since I was stuck with it as a pseudonym, I figured that giving her that Helen Gurley Brown, this is SO wonderFUL! How ARE you? voice was as appropriate as anything else.

And yes, Virginia, I realize that I maintained a paper route in hell for eight years, but I had no problem with standing there and spitting in the ol' Debbil's face. This bit of lobbying for the rights of workers and single mothers probably would have gotten somebody's legs broken not many years before, but, as you can see, porn was making the transition from "outlaw" to "legit," and, for some reason, a person's word was no longer their bond. Hmmm.

Oh, the address is accurate. What with everything becoming "legal" there was no longer a NEED to hire writers to provide "redeeming social value" and we were, more or less, being tossed unceremoniously on the Scrap Heap of History. We were, er, DOWNsized. Producers realized that their girlfriends could write a script breakdown that wouldn't be any MORE mangled than an ACTUAL script, and screen work was drying up. Ditto Publishers, who got free stills from producers, and didn't need any more writers than could handle captioning the photo spreads.

After over thirty years of subsidizing writers at the beginning of their careers, the so-called "Men's Magazine" market was drying up like the Aral Sea, in Uzbekistan/Kazakstan: fifty years ago, there were fish, and fishing villages. Now, because of agricultural diversion of the rivers that fed the inland sea, the fish are dead, and the fishing villages lie, in some cases, thirty and fifty miles from the shoreline, abandoned fishing boats and piers baking in the sun.

Our writing careers were beginning to look a lot like that.

Hart Williams
Coughing Up Blood
Hollywood, U.S.A.

HELEN BED -- STEAMY GOSSIP FROM A VIDEO INSIDER

Greetings, gentle readers! This month, a whole cornucopia of tidbits! (Or is that pornucopia?) Hmmm. Well, anyway, here's what's on the wagging tongues of the boys and girls of the Biz -- at least when they're verbalizing!

***

Big news is that Henri Pachard (Whose American Taboo, Parts 1 - 4 earned him the nickname Ennui Pachard) has moved to the West Coast. Seems that Ennui, er, Henri finally had to give in to video. What with no work in the Big Apple, the quintessential New York director has pulled up stakes and is shooting those videos as fast as his assistant director can clap the sticks.

The assistant director? None other than California's own ace scriptwriter Mark Weiss.

***

Fans may recognize the rejuvenated Cindy Summers <1>. She's been burning a swath through porn in the last year. What many don't know is that Cindy is one of the original starlets of porn, predating Annette Haven, and contemporary with Georgina Spelvin. Cindy, we are told, had a long love affair with the bottle that kept her out of the business for over ten years. While she's still an irregular performer, restricting her performances to just a few, we're glad she's back.

***

Tamara Longley, she of The Voice <2>, should be no stranger to our readers. Lately, though Tamara has been seen less and less on sets. The reason? Her agent says she's a "flake," and didn't show up on a set, making it difficult to book her. But Helen did a little research, gentle readers, and the real story is quite a bit different.

Tamara, having finally made enough to provide a home for her child, was unable to show up on said set due to a sudden illness on her child's part. She called the producer, told him the story, and he said, quote, "Don't worry about it, Hon." After that, the producer passed the word. The agent figured it had to be true, and doesn't bother booking her. As a matter of fact, there are, lately, a lot of single mothers in the business, trying to support their children, and neither agent wants to hear about it. "If they can't show up on time -- for whatever reason -- we don't need 'em," seems to be the attitude. Helen finds this a very "human" attitude. You know, like South Africa's attitude towards colored folk.

***

Another single mother is Jessica Wylde <3>. Recently, Ms. Wylde returned to the business to -- you guessed it -- support her child. She has been getting quite a lot of work, and is "glad to be back." Ms. Wylde used to be a dancer, in both exotic and Las Vegas-type productions, and still dances to keep herself fit. The reason for her retirement last year? "People wouldn't book me. I don't know why."

If Helen may be so bold: The people in this Industry are people dammit, with very real and human needs, like the need to eat, and the need to have a place to sleep. In the days when the business was truly `outlaw', the business policed itself. Now, with money flowing in, and producers buying Mercedes the way that sailors on shore leave buy rubbers, porn is becoming as cold and unfeeling as "straight" Hollywood. Remember, Producers: People like Jessica Wylde and Tamara Longley, and the late Laurien Dominique put you on the map. Don't you owe them something better than then shabby treatment you're giving them?

***

And Buck "Romeo" Adams finally did it. Finally got hitched to newcomer Littledov, who is, according to her agent, pureblood Cherokee. Adams, you may recall, had been floundering and flailing through starlets like a mackerel who's just been tossed on the deck of a tuna boat. Glad to see Buck's finally an honest man. Previous columns had seen Buckaroo with Taija Rae, Nikki Charm, and several more than Helen could keep up with. The "boys" at the talent agencies can't figure it out, claiming that Littledov is "like fucking a dead fish", but on closer inquiry, no one at the talent agencies had bothered to actully fuck Littledov. Sound like sour grapes? It does to Miss Bed.

Of course, the way things are going Littledove will be just another single mother in a year or so. <4>

***

Honey Wilder <5> has not been seen much lately. A talented actress often shafted by reviewers for not looking "hot", Honey's first video met with reasonable sales and good reviews. Unfortunately, she hasn't been able to swing backing for another, and has gone into semi-retirement. It seems that what the Producers want is `fresh meat', and Honey's is, according to our sources, not considered `hot enough'.

So I'm going to ask you, gentle readers: Send me, care of this magazine, some mail suggesting to the Boys that storyline and acting are just as important to you as nubile know-nothings. I'll see that your letters get into the right hands. Of course, if you don't care, don't write. But don't complain if quality gets drowned out by faceless Standard-Issue Bodies. This is your chance to do something. Send mail to: HELEN BED, c/o this magazine.

***

You may also recall Tiffany Clark. Tiff and Fred Lincoln split up a while back, and now news is that none of Tiff's New York friends have been able to locate her. They are worried, our sources tell us, that Tiff is in trouble and can't or won't ask for help. According to the man who discovered Tiff (long before her nose job), "Well, I guess we've lost another one. It's a damn shame."

Of course, rumors of Tiff's demise may be greatly exaggerated. <6>

***

<7> Taija Rae -- formerly linked to Buck "I finally got hitched" Adams -- has concluded her move West. However, reports are that Ms. Rae continues to lose the Battle of the Bulge, and may soon be looking for work as a replacement for Mama Cass Eliot, rather than steaming up the XXX screen.

***

<8> And finally, Bunny Bleu has a new boyfriend, who's in an L.A. heavy metal band. Miss Bleu reports that she's "quite happy."

***

Until next month, etcetera.

[NOTE, 1996: They always stole my stills, and so I have no way of replicating these images. The ORIGINAL owners of VIDEO X were not merely content to steal my stills, but my writing as well. I was owed something on the order of $750 (and at the rates we were paid, $750 represented a LOT of work) which I tried suing for in small claims, but, they being in New York and I in California, there was no way to COLLECT. I chalked it up to experience, and when the magazine was sold, took gleeful delight in MAKING MY GODDAMNED MONEY BACK! Hah!

But they STILL stole my stills.... :( ]

But wait, it's STILL KEY TIME!!!! Zowie.

1. Cindy Sommers getting porked (from For Services Rendered, Caballero.)

2. Tamara Longley making ends meet (from Beverly Hills Exposed)

3. Jessica Wylde dancing vertically for a change (from COUNTRY GIRL, AVC)

4. Buck Adams munching down (from BORDELLO, Essex)

5. Honey Wilder and Jerry Butler (from GREAT SEXPECTATIONS)

6. Tiffany Clark, whereabouts unknown (from GO FOR IT)

7. Taija "El Porquito" Rae (from BORDELLO, Essex)

8. Bunny Bleu shows us her mettle/metal (from WILD NURSES IN LUST, Essex)